Oh to be one of the cool kids...

I never was. One of the cool kids, I mean. Mostly because no matter where I was, at school or at play or running around the neighbourhood, my mum was never far away with her nose rag.

Thanks, Mum.

The cool kids were that other group, the ones who wore their mussed-up scrunchie ponytails to the side and talked about boys instead of playing jacks. They never wore Barbie plasters over scraped knees or had to walk their little siblings home, they just somehow escaped all those minor humiliations that the rest of us had to deal with.

I. Was. Jealous.

Of course, we all grow up. The dorky kids become smart, able adults, while the cool kids stay trapped in a time warp. At least, this is what I tell myself.

Grown-up 80s cool kids: the only creatures below Courtney Love on the evolutionary ladder.

Now the cool kids are the hipster types. You know the ones. Jutting one hip out while spouting ironicisms, sipping espresso and riding their vintage Vespas.

OK, so maybe there are a lot of cliches associated with coolness. But what I love is that you can be considered hip for making unexpected clothing choices. Gumboots with sundresses, that kind of thing. And today's garment is definitely one for the cool kids.

At first I passed it over as just a bit of tweed. But as I moved down the racks, it haunted me. Until, finally, I had to go back, and then it struck me. Fuck, this is awesome! Over a pretty-pretty chiffon dress, or with stovepipe jeans and nothing underneath but a killer rack. It's so unique. So eccentric. So precisely what vintage is all about.

You know you want it...

And OK, yes, now I'm gushing. But I only do it when it's truly justified, honest!

Anyhoo, clickety-click your way to TradeMe to bid:
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=262695840&ed=true

Deets below, meanwhile remember: cool kids don't do drugs. Or something.

Love and ironicisms,
The Vintage Madam.

Size on label:	N/S
Modern size:	Pretty much free-size since it doesn't close in front
Label:	Flora Kolon Mode
Condition:	Great; some fading on the piping, which looks rustic
Fabric:	Wool
Closure:	None; you could pin it if you wanted
Measurements:	(all taken with garment lying flat)
Armpit-to-armpit:	48cm
Waist:	45cm
Length:	49cm shoulder-to-hem
Features:	Leaf design at left shoulder

Back in Action

As you can probably tell, I have been away for Christmas. Like the rest of the country, my togs are full of sand and I'm ready to kill my rellies. Also: I'm possibly still drunk. [Sluuurrrr...]

But I'm also super excited about greeting my wardrobe again! Hello Mr. 1980s blazer, oh how I missed you! Ms. 60s clutch, my how well you look!

Sometimes they talk back, I swear!

Embarrassing discussions with inanimate objects aside, I hope you're all restored with pavlova and lack of work because you'll want to be fully functional for this:

Fire engine red 1950s style pumps.

$1 reserve.

Awesomeness.

Yes, perhaps it's the eggnog, or perhaps it's residual Christmas spirit, but I'm feeling generous. Too generous, maybe, since these are probably too delicious to let go for a steal...

Ooh err...

Fortunately for you, I have big-ass feet, and the women of the 1950s did not. My prodigious viewing of old movies tells me they were all delicate and wasp-waisted, like Audrey Hepburn. They were also all lost princesses and/or seductive society types. Simpler times.

Anyway, if you have smallish feet, get on over to TradeMe pronto! Because seriously, these are a find. A teency bit scuffed, as you would expect with vintage shoes, but with a touch o' polish they'll be showstoppers.

In fact, I'd venture a guess they've literally stopped shows. Previous owner hypotheses: movie star. Chorus girl. Roxie Hart. Or all three: Renee Zellweger.

In stilletoes, she would look like a working girl. In 50s era shoes: a goddess.

But enough speculation. Here are the linkies:
http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=262560253&ed=true
http://twitter.com/vintagemadam

Happy shopping!

Love and show-stopping,
The Vintage Madam.

PS. The guy in the first picture is a real "comedian." Talking shoes are his real "act." Next time you have nothing to do on a Saturday night, take comfort in the fact that you're still cooler than somebody.

Another Xmas rant, and a pretty purse to make up for it

So. I know I ranted in my last post about the horrors of Christmas socialising. But after knocking off a few tepid parties in the last few days, I've got a second wind.

Why, oh WHY must all workplaces host the same dull affair? Honestly, there's no need for Christmas party planners anymore. Here's the formula: rent a local RSA hall or the meeting rooms of a bowling club. Supply cheap bubbles and smoked salmon of questionable freshness. Hire a cover band and teach them some supposedly 'hip' carols; Mariah Carey knockoff singer optional. For bonus points, charge attendees for their meal and ask them to invite spouses and friends so that as many people as possible are subjected to the madness. Oh, then add one sleazy boss. Job done.

Your boss at 7pm

Your boss at midnight.

But never fear, I have a plan. Ever seen "Ocean's 11"? OK, well it's a bit like that, but minus the high-scale thievery and the mob-like Vegas casino owners and the absurdly attractive men.

Picture one hot mama in neck-to-toe black latex, whip and gag in hand. Picture her legions of readers and sympathisers in tow, Burberry trenches hiding various torture devices and killer pencil skirts. Our Humbug Army will go after the event planners first; their office polls of "chicken or beef" will become incoherent chickerbeefy dying gurgles. Then we'll take down the sleazy bosses, impaling their throats with scratchy mistletoe until they cough in mangled renditions of "White Christmas."

Finally we'll tackle the big guy:

Pictured: our goons. Don't worry, I know a guy who knows some guys.

When it's all over, December will be ours again. OURS, for normal summer fun and evenings spent with real friends, not Linda from Accounts.

Or, we could just put up with a month of lame parties. If that's your preference, I can at least offer you a classy purse.


OK pikers, the purse it is. Frankly, I don't blame you. This is unlabelled, but it looks enticingly like an authentic 1950s clutch, complete with fancy embroidery and heavy click-clasp. This is the kind of piece that - like a fine artwork or a Baywatch alum - will never age.

So get in quick to TradeMe: http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=259500268&ed=true
And, of course, Twitter: http://twitter.com/vintagemadam

Until tomorrow,
Love and cheap bubbles,
The Vintage Madam.

It's a vintage BONANZA!

It's almost Christmas. Yes, that time of year has rolled around when one has to find things to say to one's great-aunts and pretend to be thrilled to receive yet another hand-knitted Santa sweater.

Meet my cousin Frank. Note the lack of spouse.

But this year, ladies, it is all worth it. This year, you will put up with all the drunk, handsy uncles and curdled eggnog life can throw at you because this year is special.

That's right, it's the first ever, potentially annual, super splendiforous VINTAGE MADAM SALEATHON!

Every item that's gone unsold up until now is back on auction, most at reduced prices. Dresses, hats, shoes, coats, everything you could ever want to gift (to yourself, let's be honest) is available now. It's like my wardrobe threw up or something. And ladies: my wardrobe pukes gold.

You can find all my wonderful pieces here: http://www.trademe.co.nz/Members/Listings.aspx?member=2983073
And don't forget to add me on Twitter here: http://twitter.com/vintagemadam

Go! Run! Trip over each other! Tear each other's hair out! Or proceed in an orderly fashion, it's up to you.

Love and SALES! Oh YES!
The Vintage Madam.

Oh to be young and carefree...

It isn't very often that I miss my teenage years.

I mean, what's so great about youth? The pimples? The groundings? The sweaty, overstimulated boys with clunky cars and keen hands? No. Those years are over, and I'm not sorry.

Close-up of my skin, circa 1994

But there are a few happy memories, mostly sartorial in nature. Before I got into, y'know, whippings and black latex, I liked to clothe myself in those sweet-sixteen cottons with little flowers on 'em, delicate culottes and floaty blouses and whatnot. The kinds of clothes that beautiful breezy teenagers with impossibly long legs wear in Italian movies.

Adolescence, as imagined by Bernardo Bertolucci

Not that I ever actually rocked that look. It's amazing how knees that resemble shelled walnuts will ruin a summer frock. But the frocks looked good in my wardrobe at least, such that the sight of today's dress filled me with warm nostalgic memories of happy afternoons spent gazing into my closet.

What made this dress so evocative? Was it the cute early-90s florals? The sweet hint-o-cleavage neckline? The whimsical criss-cross pattern on the waist? Or did I actually own this dress as a teenager and have now bought it back?


Whatever prompted my nostalgia, you too can experience it by popping over to TradeMe and bidding on your own recaptured youth.

Or maybe you're truly a beautiful breezy teenager and are buying this to wear with no trace of irony or nostalgia. In which case: I hate you.

Either way, the link is: http://www.trademe.co.nz/Browse/Listing.aspx?id=258805604&ed=true
And my Twitter is: http://twitter.com/vintagemadam

The specifics are below for those who, unlike me, take time to check that something is actually a practical purchase before buying. (I buy in a trance-like state. Usually while chanting: "it's preeetty... so preeetty...")

Love and acne,
The Vintage Madam.

Size on label:	"1"
Modern size:	Best on a s8-10
Label:	Estafania - 100% Vintage since 1966
Condition:	Mostly great; 2 tiny, fixable holes at the waist
Fabric:	Labelled as "antique cotton"
Closure:	Side zip
Measurements:	(all taken with garment lying flat)
Armpit-to-armpit:	44cm (but it's stretchy so there's some give)
Waist:	34cm (ditto on the stretchiness)
Hips:	Free-size
Length:	104cm shoulder-to-hem (knee-length)
Features:	Ruched around torso; adjustable spaghetti straps

Dress-ups, both naughty and innocent...

I relate to Peter Pan. Not so much for his ability to fly, or for his inclination to surround himself with prepubescent boys...

Disney: Dressing Orphaned Boys in Furry Suits Since 1953

I just never want to grow up.*

I remember childhood as a time of endless summers and goody gumdrop ice-creams, a time of skipping rope in friends' backyards and pulling pipis from the shoreline. Good times! Puppies! Rainbows!

In fact my childhood was so idyllic, I am left with absolutely no-one to blame for the many, many, [cough] MANY examples of my current deviant behaviour. ("What officer, I shouldn't be dangling my feet in 5-inch heels out the car window while driving and sipping a mojito? It's my mother's fault. She... um... hugged me too much.")

Indeed, I often spend drunken Thursday mornings flipping through old holiday snapshots, trying to figure out what horrific trauma could have sent me flying off the rails.

Dad tinkers on the luxury yacht.
Left of frame: I got a new sand pail that day. Yay!

But really, it was all so wonderful that I often fantasise of reliving those halcyon days by dressing in a playsuit, packing my Strawberry Shortcake brand lip balm, and heading for the coast. So, understandably, when I saw today's garment, I got excited. (I call it excited. The lady in the shop called it hysterical. Semantics.)

Yes dear readers, this is a genuine vintage, cute-in-a-grown-up-sort-of-way, beach-ready playsuit! The perfect cover-up for when you reach that famous togs/undies threshold, it's also great to wear while building sandcastles, or when going cotton-pickin' on the farm. Pigtails optional.

Adowabawl!

Also: the buttons have little anchors on them. All together now: awwwww! There are way more pictures over at the TradeMe auction, because I'm a little in love with this piece and got rather camera-happy.

Details are below and the linkies are:
TradeMe - Playsuit Auction
Twitter - Add the Vintage Madam

Best be off now, there are a bunch of Disney lawyers banging on my door :-/

Till tomorrow,
Love and furry boys,
The Vintage Madam.

*Also, the feathered caps. Oh my, the feathered caps!

Size on label:	None
Modern size:	Best on a size 10
Label:	East & Red Casual
Condition:	Perfect other than some loose thread on buttons
Fabric:	Linen (?)
Closure:	Halterneck ties, hip buttons
Measurements:	(all taken with garment lying flat)
Armpit-to-armpit:	Free-size
Waist:	43cm
Hips:	50cm
Length:	Adjustable torso length; comes to mid-thigh
Features:	Cute anchor buttons, hip & back pockets

The Princess and the Feminist

My mum is a 1960s-vintage burn-your-bra feminist, and I love her for it. She's much of the reason I'm strong and independent today. But when you're 6 years old and your friends are all playing with dolls and wearing frilly dresses, sometimes a feminist mother can be rather embarrassing.

I never got to read girls' magazines, or play dress-ups; she wouldn't even let me pick lucky dips from the girls' bin because its contents might "reinforce gender stereotypes." The worst part was, in addition to being a feminist, she was also a student of sociobiology, and she had this Pavlovian trick of quoting liberally from "The Female Eunuch" every time I asked for a Barbie doll.

Acquiring today's dress was, therefore, an act of rebellion.



Mum would hate it. It is pink, and lacy, and fit for a princess. (I think I saw Lady Di in something similar once.) This is the kind of dress that mum's homemaker-in-waiting nemeses wore to their school balls while she attended neo-suffragette rallies. She would have thrown eggs at it. I, however, love it to pieces.

It was possibly homemade (there are no labels) and just gazing at it makes me imagine a sweet 16-year-old being awkwardly photographed by her parents on the way to some school dance. This is what I imagine nostalgia would feel like, if my mum had ever let me go to dances.

Anyway, if you want to piss off your feminist mother, or if you have a ball to go to, please head over to TradeMe and place your bids. If you really want to piss off your feminist mother, add this shameless fashionista on Twitter.
TradeMe: http://www.trademe.co.nz/Clothing/Womenswear/Vintage-retro/Size-10/auction-256585254.htm
Twitter: http://twitter.com/vintagemadam

Love and Barbies,
The Vintage Madam.

Size on label:	N/A
Modern size:	10-12
Label:	No label; possibly homemade
Condition:	Very good; button holes look slightly fragile
Fabric:	Satin and lace
Closure:	Back zip and buttons
Measurements:	(all taken with garment lying flat)
Armpit-to-armpit:	52cm
Waist:	39cm
Hips:	58cm
Length:	136cm (approx ankle-length)
Features:	Vertical front pleats, lace shoulders